In a result that shook the footballing world, a capacity crowd at the Harpenden Sports Stadium saw a new-look Platinum Point team thrash bookies’ favourite SA Law by at least four goals. From the start, ‘the Point’ played with verve and gusto (Paolo Gusto, on loan from Juventus). As early as the first minute, goalie David Buckley threw himself to the ground to thwart an SA Law attack, a tactic which proved so successful he remained there for the rest of the match. Local celebrity boxer David Hughes adopted an intimidating ‘they shall not pass’ approach to protect the defence. Veteran utility player David Priseman, who has played in every game since this fixture was first established in 1871, displayed impressive positional discipline by staying in the same place throughout the match whilst team mates Oliver Mason and Guy Longshaw recklessly ran all over the pitch tackling people and scoring goals. Tom Shurville was distinctly impressive on his debut.
To everyone’s surprise, the Point took an early lead. Surprise turned to amazement when they stayed in front. In vain, SA Law attempted a late comeback. As the clock ticked down, the Point’s fans crowded round the edge of the pitch, and when the final whistle went they surged onto the pitch and carried their warrior-heroes off shoulder high, singing songs and heading for the nearest hostelry.
Afterwards, a visibly shaken Chris Cook, captain of the defeated SA Law team, said, “Platinum Point took advantage of the confusion caused by the Brexit decision and the subsequent uncertainty around the European Directive on the back-pass and head-height rules. I’m not bitter, but we shall be seeking a judicial review of the legislation before our next game.”
The result was all the more remarkable given that Platinum Point are currently without a manager having recently turned down Pep Guardiola. Chairman Jon Phillips explained: “Pep’s a nice guy but he doesn’t have experience of managing at this level.”
The real winners were football and the landlord of the Inn on the Green.
David Buckley: “Can I get up now?”
David Hughes: “Football’s a lot like the law: it’s best to get your retaliation in first.”
David Priseman: “…gasp…I’ll be all right…gasp…in a minute…puff….I just need to…pant… get my breath back….”
Oliver Mason: “We played a high line, pressing their defenders and closing down their passes to cut off the supply to their forwards. In possession, we concentrated on playing out from the back, moving into space and using the channels. We got our tactics spot on and fully deserved the victory.”
Tom Shurville: “We scored more than them so we won.”
Guy Longshaw: “Everyone shake their arms and legs and feel the energy.”
David Tree: “What time does the game start?”
Chris Cook (to his own players): “******** move!! What the **** do you thinking you’re ******* doing, you ******** ******!!!”
Further reaction from the world of football:
Pundit Gary Reid: “I’ve never seen anything like it, and I’ve seen some things in my time, such as the inside of a baggage screening machine.”
Supporter June Cory (speaking from Sydney): “I’m gutted I missed it. The lads were brilliant, especially Paolo di Canio.”
Former player Tim Parfitt: “I don’t mind being dropped. No really, I don’t.”
Ex-manager Harry Redknapp: “When do I pay the ref?”
Presidential candidate Donald Trump: “We’re going to build on this result to make soccer sooo great, probably greater than it’s ever been.”
Presenter Gary Lineker: “SA Law? SA Flaw more like.”
Ex-FIFA President Sepp Blatter: “I can announce that the 2026 World Cup Final will be held in Harpenden.”
For a full match result, see www.imadethisup.com – “The Home of Journalism”